Today I’m delighted to be sharing an extract from “Book Simulator”, by Chris Yee.
About the book:
HATE READING? THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU!!!
We all know you don’t like to read, but don’t worry, Book Simulator is here to save the day. Convince your friends that you are an avid reader. Utilize techniques that almost anyone can learn. Techniques include: page turning, eye movement, note taking, and much more. Book Simulator includes interactive exercises that allow you to practice your craft. Impress your friends and master the art of book simulation.
Looking for humor, comedy, laughs, jokes, and all other forms of funny? Book Simulator is a humorous take on the conventions of a traditional book. While it pokes fun at various aspects of reading, it also celebrates the spirit of storytelling and encourages the exploration of future stories to come.
For extensive coaching in the very serious field of pretend reading, purchase Book Simulator today.
Print and ebook versions of Book Simulator are slightly different, each with format specific content and other small variations. Try out both today.
Extract – An introduction to Book Simulation
What is book simulation?
Book simulation is a multi-step process which creates the illusion of book reading. There are many techniques that go into a convincing simulation. These techniques include:
- Eye contact
- Page turning and proper timing
- Eye movement
- Head nodding
- Note taking
- Page positioning
These are just a few techniques covered in this book. Combining them effectively will create a convincing illusion that will fool even the smartest of your friends. In the following chapters, I will review these methods in greater detail and give you a chance to practice with hands-on exercises. Once you have mastered these techniques, you will notice immediate results. People will call you a reading genius. They’ll forget your name altogether and start calling you The Read Genie. Has a nice ring, doesn’t it?
When is book simulation appropriate?
Although book simulation is appropriate at all times of day, some hours are more effective than others. Here are some pros and cons of the different times throughout the day:
- If you are well rested from a full night of sleep, you will be at the peak of your simulating performance.
- If you live with your significant other, the first thing they will see when they wake up in the morning is that big fat brain of yours. You will leave them with an image of literary greatness that will last for the rest of the day.
- If you live by yourself, morning sessions are good for practice before you go out to simulate for real.
- In order to pull off an effective morning session, you must wake up extra early to give yourself time to warm up. Book simulation without extensive warm-up exercises is a risky proposition.
- If you do not get enough rest, you risk the possibility of falling asleep mid-simulation. Chances are you’ll drop that book right on your face and suffocate in your sleep. Your tombstone will claim that you died doing what you loved, wearing a book mask. But that’s totally not what you were doing. They got it completely wrong! You’ll have to live with that misunderstanding for the rest of your afterlife, and your friends will be known as the people who liked that weird book-wearing freak.
- If you have a partner and you’re not familiar with their sleeping habits, you may find yourself simulating for extended periods of time, waiting for them to wake up.
- Noon is a time when people gather in small groups to consume their midday nutrients. This basic human necessity forms an ideal situation for a reader such as yourself. With numerous people congregated in one location, you can maximize the number of witnesses that will see your simulation.
- If you are with coworkers or classmates, you will get a large number of high-quality witnesses. While not as valuable as a significant other, they serve as a good mid-range audience.
- If you are not with friends, the value of this timeframe is greatly diminished. You can simulate in a public eating area to maximize the number of witnesses, but your audience will consist of low-value strangers. Your chances of seeing them more than once are unlikely.
- For those who struggle with simple multitasking, you may have to sacrifice your delicious lunch in favor of the task at hand. Simulating is tough work. Eating at the same time can be strenuous on the body, and perhaps even dangerous for those with less experience. You may end up eating your book and reading your turkey sandwich. Now, wouldn’t that be silly?
- Simulation right before bed is a good way to close out the day. If you have a partner, they will see that you’re reading and leave you alone, granting you some well-earned time to yourself. Once they enter their deep slumber, you may get up to do whatever your heart desires.
- Paired with a morning session, the morning nighttime combination can be very powerful. Your hypothetical significant other will open and close their day with the image of your attractive face engrossed deeply within a book. Their image of you will build into one of a reading ninja, a black belt in kicking text-based ass.
- Much like the morning session, if you live alone, a nighttime session can be good for practice. Sharpen those lackluster skills while sipping a nice warm cup of bedside milk.
- After a long day of doing whatever you do, you may be exhausted by the time night falls. There is a good chance you’ll be too tired to simulate.
- This is a common time for a significant other to read as well. If they do so, you will find yourself stuck in a game of reading chicken, to see who will stop reading first. It is important that you win this battle to maintain your status as the reading wizard. If they are known to be an avid reader, avoid night sessions at all costs. You will most certainly lose.
These are just a few examples of things to consider when scheduling a simulation. There are plenty of hours to experiment with. See what works best for you. Picking the right time to simulate can be the difference between a glowing success and a burning, face-melting failure. So plan your sessions carefully. Your beautiful face depends on it.
Where is book simulation appropriate?
Similar to the previous question, the answer depends on who is watching. You must choose your location carefully. Public places are good for a high number of low-value watchers, but if you are looking for a more personal audience, find a place where your friends and family commonly hang out. Let’s take a look at some possible choices:
While the library may be your first instinct, it is an awful place to simulate, and you’re crazy for even suggesting it. What were you thinking? It’s full of people who are actually reading. They are too engrossed in their own books to pay attention to you. Your simulation will go unnoticed, and your efforts will be wasted.
If someone does notice you, they are likely experts in reading and will spot any flaws in your technique. This may be useful for finding areas of simulation that require improvement, but it will also get you kicked out of the library and banned forever. Book simulation is frowned upon amongst the genuine reading population, so if you choose to simulate in a library, you better be gosh darn good at it.
The subway is a very good location for simulation. There are lots of people around, and while they may only be strangers, they will be stuffed in a small space, creating an intimate setting. Simulation will also help you avoid awkward eye contact with strangers.
However, the temptation to people-watch on the subway is very strong. Be wary of this risk and resist any urge to take your eyes off that page. Not even a glance. You must fully commit to your book. When it comes to simulating on the subway, commitment is the key to success. Commit it to win it, that’s what I sometimes say. If you don’t, people will call you out. They’ll make up names, like Phony Face McPhee. Everyone around will start a chant, and you’ll be known as Phony Face for the rest of your ride. Don’t believe me? Then you’ve clearly never ridden the subway. Those people are rude.
The front porch is always preferred over the back porch. They both hold the same aesthetic feel, but the front porch attracts more eyes. So if you ever find yourself simulating on the back porch, knock it off. You’re embarrassing yourself.
The front porch can gather high-value watchers. Your neighbors will start to respect you and will stop being so passive aggressive about just how messy your lawn really is. Passing runners will only see you for a few seconds, but they’re athletes. It’s always handy to get on an athlete’s good side. You never know when you’ll need their help in a vicious street brawl. That’s right, I know you get into street brawls all the time. You lose most of them, but just imagine how many you would win with an Olympic athlete by your side. And then there is your local mail carrier, probably the most valuable of the three. Your mail carrier has control of your mail. Need I say more? In fact, your mail carrier is so important, you might as well just skip your front porch altogether and go straight to your nearest post office. Simulate at their front desk. It won’t be weird at all.
Why is book simulation useful?
This question is often asked by readers and non-readers alike. While the most common answer is to help you look smarter, it is not the only answer. Book simulation can help deflate an awkward situation. If you foresee an awkward silence coming, just pull out this book and simulate away. They will think you’re so weird, that they’ll almost certainly leave you alone. Awkwardness averted!
It can also help you to appear busy, so people don’t approach you and say things like, “Take out the trash,” or “Take me to the hospital. My water just broke.” Instead of expecting you to do these annoying little tasks, they’ll see that you’re busy and do it themselves. And they should. You can’t just hand out favors willy-nilly. Favors don’t grow on trees, leaves do. You can try giving them a leaf to see if that makes them happy, but chances are it will only confuse them.
Chris Yee grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. As a young child, he had a wild imagination, thinking up stories of mystery and wonder. People would ask what he wanted to be when he grew up, and the answer was always the same. He wanted to be an author. As he grew older, educational interests pulled him away from the world of writing and into math and science. He attended Northeastern University and received a Bachelor’s Degree in civil engineering. He now works in Boston, full-time as an engineer. Despite his technical background, he never lost an interest in writing. He writes every day, to fulfill a passion that has never faded.